Periodic Madness.

There are two new commercials out in Australia for feminine hygiene products (stupid term, total unnecessary downer on vaginas). While one company has taken tampon manufacturing to new heights, the other seems at a loss as to where to go next with pad technology. Let’s examine:

Carefree has come up with a mind-baffling concept of a tampon with wings. I know, seriously, wtf? My mind conjours an image resembling a cartoon bomb flying through the air with quadrant parachutes. Apparently, the purpose of these “wings” is to catch all that pesky excess leaking from our loins. Hmmm. As any menstruating woman knows, during high tide you either change the plug more frequently or use a bigger stopper, right? This salient point seems to have evaded the minds that created this technological genius. Despite the fact that mishaps of leakage are generally few and far between, it seems that the powers that be have designed a new, improved way to remind us that periods are very bad and very embarrassing, and woe betide the lady that accidentally makes everyone, including herself, feel uncomfortable with the messy reality of monthly bleeding. Given that the wings look as absorbent and useful in every day life as kinky mesh knickers, I somehow doubt this product is, mind the pun, going to take off.

Libra, on the other end of the spectrum, have regressed and pinned their hopes on more colourful packaging; specifically colour coded panels so you can easily and quickly identify the pad you are seeking. Smart, yeah? I can see teh mens sitting around brainstorming: hmmm, women are so easily fooled and comforted by blue liquid, they also like pink, aha! colour is the answer! more colour will make them buy more pads! Clearly no one involved in this pitch has ever been down a supermarket aisle and stared blankly at the reincarnation of Times Square in miniature. Lest we forget that periods are supposed to be fun (!), and girly (!), a monthly celebration of womanhood (!), every single company has decked out their packaging in a dizzying array of bright colours and patterns. It’s hard enough finding your regular brand in amongst this carnival of feminine celebration, not withstanding their propensity to constantly change “designs” so you never feel like you’re stuck in a boring rut of the same damn thing every month. So, when a company actually pays to advertise the fact that they’ve changed their packaging to make it easier for you to quickly grab what you need (because it’s supposed to be so embarrassing to be standing for prolonged periods of time, staring blankly, jaws agape, trying to figure out what the fuck a sphagnum core is, and whether it will absorb your blood flow as effectively as it deals with ambiguous blue liquid) it’s clear that they’re stalling until they come up with something even more pointless – like a tampon with wings. A neon green colour swipe for regular absorbency is really not going to catch my attention. If anything, it’s going to make me more confused: does neon green mean my period is going to be environmentally friendly or end up as toxic nuclear waste?

Somehow, in amongst this riot of colour and mindless marketing, everyone seems to have forgotten that periods are not happy. For the most, they are synonymous with cramps, hormones, wetness, general discomfort and hassle. In your teenage years, the time is beset with concealment, lest anyone at school hears your tampon wrapper rustling in the next stall and knows that you are, shock horror, bleeding. As an adult, they span the realms of inconvenience, celebration that you’re not with sprog, or else a monthly reminder that you, yet again, haven’t conceived. It appears that everyone thinks you can achieve more, be better, act faster and enjoy life if your period is nothing than a minor inconvenience in the background speaks volumes about our society. If advertising is to be believed, menstrual blood is all that separates us from a wardrobe of tight white pants and the glass ceiling, god forbid we ever leak blood on it from above. Sure, periods aren’t the most fun thing in the world, far from it, but they are an essential part of being a woman, and women are an essential part of bringing life into the world. How about stopping the routine humiliation of women of all ages and treat us with respect when trying to peddle your wares to us? I already have a monthly reminder that I need to buy your products, I don’t need any more advertising – excepting this ad, you can run it as much as you like.

By the way, if you google Libra Australia, the only site available is one called Libra Girl, which is beyond lame. Carefree’s site has the option of looking for products for “young people” linked through as “teens”, but if you click through the “women” channel, you link through as “parents”. What the hell? Do bleeding women in their twenties and thirties not figure in the collective feminine hygeine psyche? Wait, don’t answer that, I suppose we should be breeding, not bleeding.

(Image via Jezebel Dot Com.)