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Archive for November, 2006

My bits have a healthy ego.

I blame feminism for giving us the proverbial cock and balls to enjoy multiple orgasms from multiple partners. In a massive oversight, it failed to remove oestrogen from the equation. And now there’s a new generation of strong independent highly sexed and equally highly strung women with little means to deal with the emotional backlash ensuing from a voracious sexual appetite.

I call bullshit on any woman who claims to be able to have her cake, eat it and not consider the calories after. The physics of human bodies mean that vaginas are secret little havens of pleasure while penises, well, they’re just there and really don’t hesitate to tell you. And thus the internal dialogue between brain and vadge is extremely personal. Fuck one over, and you’re not likely to get the chance to fuck the other one too.

I’ll admit that I’m just as emotionally attached to my vagina as any other girl. But it’s not healthy to allow a fuck to fuck with your head. It’s called dignity! Vaginal dignity! Pick your bits up off the floor and quit acting like your pussy. The more muscle you have to shore up your ego, the stronger it will be when the emotional fucktards come flooding in. And the stronger your ego is, it follows the stronger your vadge is. And you know what a strong vadge leads to? Awesome sex all round.

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America! Fuck yeah!

Reasons why America will not grant me a visa:

1. I hate Hallmark. Makes me want to starve myself and smoke cigarettes around babies and snort coke with your grandma.

Stupid cards with bunnies saying “40 years young” and pathetic little quips about how much your colleagues will miss you now that you’ve quit. Hate to tell you, but forty is not young unless you’re 80. If you’re getting cards like that at forty you should probably shoot yourself because the friends you have now obviously suck for picking out that card for you, or suck even more because they didn’t put in any effort and just grabbed it off the shelf (wtf were they doing in Hallmark anyway?). Oh, and it looks like you’ll be stuck with them for the rest of your life as you clearly lack the social skills to befriend anyone who has a modicum of use to the rest of society. End it. Trust me. No one will blame you. At least you won’t have to listen to a badly written eulogy with quirky anecdotes about your unmomentous life.

Signs to put on your desk in a prominent position for all your colleagues to see declaring “Good morning let the stress begin!” Damn straight your day is going to be stressful. Want to know why? Because you’re lame and I’m going to mash your face in today.

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caroline: air matress fuck is the worst. i roll off onto the floor and then it gets funny.

edith: i fall off and hit my head or slide off the mattress onto the edge of the bed frame. sex is very dangerous. like cheerleading. it’s misleading!

caroline: i know. it is. my dad called yesterday about the plane and the fire and hes like “It’s a dangerous city!” he sooooo doesnt want me living here. if only he knew about how dangerous sex was.

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Did you ever notice the word ‘ass’ is in ‘harass’? Coincident? I think not!

A while ago Caroline asked for my help in preparing for her first review at her new job. Oddly enough, her boss had sent her a list of questions, akin to a junior high school report. The questions from aforementioned boss are in bold . . . my helpful answers are not . . .

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happy midterms.

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for lack of agreement as to what we should post first, the email below will have to suffice.

caroline received it at work the other day.
it seems HR knows she’s on methadone. i wonder whether they know it’s interacting with other drugs she’s taking. like heroin.

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