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Archive for August, 2007

Here I was trying to eat Milo out of the tin with my tongue and lamenting my lack of spoon when I remembered that my brilliant mother had stolen an entire set of cutlery from Singapore Airlines and mailed it to me. In my infinite laziness I still haven’t taken it home and learned a valuable lesson: sloth is tasty.

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“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should–our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S.-should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries [ding!] so we will be able to build up our future…for our children.”

Holy fucking crap. I am so getting me on a planes back to that country asap.

Miss South Carolina Teen USA, also known as Lauren Caitlin Upton, graduated from high school this year with a 3.5 GPA. For those of you born in the Iraq, South Africa or the Asian countries, GPA stands for grade point average and is calculated on a scale of 0.0 to 4.0. So really, this glossy haired southerner is considered intelligent by the U.S. American Department of Education. Or whatevs. She has a really good hair straightener and gun. Alright, I made the gun part up, but wouldn’t that be awesome?

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I was too busy worrying about my apartment burning down because it was also the Hungry Ghost Festival and crazy people were burning offerings on the roadside. By “offerings” I mean HUGE FREAKIN BONFIRES. Incense and candles are just fine but to the exuberant ones: I don’t want to be a hungry ghost just yet, okay?

Herewith I proffer a set of links to appease my maternal ancestors:

If I disappear from this site, fingers crossed it isn’t because of this.

Which is why I should probably stick to things women do best, like shopping!

If I am a bad girl however, and husband dearest is displeased, let’s hope for both of us we are in a healthy Christian Domestic Discipline marriage where he can mete out appropriate, consensual punishment – when I’m wearing crotchless pantaloons, of course.

Christian men are not the only one’s trying to put my back in my box, it seems to be a global movement I forgot to make myself aware of. Spank me for forgetting that I’m no more than a baby-making-machine.

Yup, abusing animals still worse than abusing women.

I will update more so reign in your outrage for later indignation.

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Okay, what part of this outfit is lazy? Cos I sure as hell know that that kinda shit ain’t the most comfortable. I may have no boob to speak of, but I have done the kinky sex dress up thing – and it’s not so easy to fuck in a garter belt with underwear on underneath.

On Sundays I like to lie around in a wifebeater, bed hair and your boxers looking adorably sleepy and eating omelettes. Sometimes I accessorise with smudged mascara. Maybe I like doing that everyday – but Sundays especially. Also, pink and frills have nothing to do with summer unless they’re one of those short little baby doll style light muslin dresses which make you want to flash your knickers at everyone like a four year old. This young woman is damn hot, I grant you that. What she has to do with summer, lazy Sundays and pool? I fail to make the connection. Perhaps you need to reconnect with your advertising department.

Having voiced this, I have to say I love this place. There are few places in Hong Kong that don’t make you want to shoot all the old men and slap all the women with a hefty dose of education. Sure, there are the bad pole dancing giggling antics with pool cues, but braining her with a Louboutin is not an option. So avert your eyes and thank god most people there think she’s as idiotic as you do. Thank you for my sanity, Racks.

Much love and conflicting emotions,
Edie.

Update: After sending this missive back to them, I was removed from their mailing list. Ha! Sorry Min.

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And then I share it with the world! Last night on gtalk via blackberry while spread-eagled on miniature couch (I may as well confess now that I’m a douche):

“I’m worth so much more than that just for my shiny personality! I’m like sequins on gold lamé fabric covered in glitter with white veneers on my teeth and false eyelashes! I’m a Vegas drag queen with a vagina! Him? He’s a cadaver. Don’t even go there.”

Damn. Drunken Edie has no class. She could only aspire to be Amanda Lepore.

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(Hint: it’s not because I’m deaf, or mute)

Does anyone else think that the word “Facebook” conjures up images of drunk, college girls with money shots splashed on their faces? Maybe it’s just me.

Anyway, I once read that it originally started in predominantly white colleges and the participants are generally more conservative, better (or more expensively) educated, wealthier, whiter and less creative than Myspace members. Eh, I might have made some of that up, but I swear on my A-cups that I did read it most of it somewhere on the world wide web and FYI (eeeeuw I just wrote that) I’m not much of a fan of Myspace either. Just another way to make young girls take their clothes off or feel like they should. I know I have a lot more fun when my panties are on my head.

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Click here. Do it. And make sure you read the comments.

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